Internet relationships: Do they work?
Here is the big one. Can you meet love (or lust) on the net? We find out.
You often read articles about folk who *met* on the net and rode off happily into the sunset. I have recently become interested - purely in the interests of research you understand - on the er mechanics of how that works. I guess what I want to ask is this: Can you fancy someone you have never met particularly if you only have the haziest idea what they look like? This is wierd stuff. :)
If you are for some unaccountable reason about to launch into a lurid exposition of your personal life - I am sure you will bear in mind that this is a very public arena which is widely read. :)
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erm… i can’t imagine riding off into the sunset with someone i’d never seen.
i did meet the missus (married 3 years in 2 weeks) on teh intarwebs, tho. we had lengthy chats, and phone chats while on webcams, though. our phone bills were actually part of our immigration proceedings, since they were regularly 3 hours+, almost every night of the week. we also met twice in person before jumping into it.
so no, i wouldn’t say you can really fancy someone you don’t know. but you can know someone fairly well over a great distance. provided skype doesn’t go down for a protracted period ;) having unlimited long distance/international calling helps, too.
Comment by adam Aug 17, 06:51 PM #
Wow. What a great anecdote. Thanks for sharing it with us. Hopefully there maybe one or two more. :)
Comment by Root Aug 17, 07:23 PM #
My comment got way too long, so I just wrote a post :)
Comment by Jennifer Aug 18, 01:23 PM #
When I first began blogging I didn’t believe that I could ever have cyber friends that I had never laid eyes on who would be as close to me as friends in my every day life are. Now I’m questioning that.
The cyber world offers an opportunity for people of all kinds to set aside looks, disabilities and age differences and communicate in a very real and intimate way. And I’ve learned to value the few cyber friendships that I have made just as much as I do the friendships I have on a face to face basis.
As a married woman who has never cheated and who never will, I’m not looking for love or lust online. I’m looking for authentic friendship and that means sharing personal stuff with both men and women. Some of the stuff we share may be in reference to sexuality but most won’t be. It’s up to the people concerned to define their limits and set their boundaries so a comfort zone is created.
I also know that at least 2 of my cyber friends met their spouses online and I have heard them describe the advantages of “getting to know a potential significant other” online.
While it’s true that anyone can spin a cyber yarn the friends I referred to above did not just leap into marriage. They met in person as well as meeting online and that’s how they verified on more than one occasion who it was that they had been communicating with.
I won’t be surprised that if what the future holds is an opportunity for couples from far flung locations to meet online in a way they never would have done without the net. Also because finding a soul mate whom you want to spend a lifetime with is never easy I think cyber communication may widen the selection field for singles and may even provide better odds at meeting the love of your life.
Comment by brightfeather Aug 21, 01:14 AM #
I reckon you would need to meet up at least once before you got married. :)
Comment by Root Aug 21, 10:06 AM #
I think I would require more than one face-to-face meeting before I contemplated marriage. I married my very best friend and we knew each other very, very well before we became intimate. We also lived together for a year before I would give him an answer to his proposal.
I had good reason to be relationship/marriage “shy”. My first one was a terrible failure. This is not surprising when you consider that I was the most sheltered 16 year old ever. I lived in a religious commune of sorts and was totally innocent and naive. I ran away from my mother’s abuse with a man who was was 12 years older and very “disturbed” and abusive. I barely escaped with my life and the details of what happened to me hit the courts and the news [shudder] after the police rescued me. Luckily the judge issued a gag order during the criminal proceedings and the subsequent divorce.
When I met my next husband-to-be through friends of friends I was starting my life over again. I was very “damaged” physically and emotionally. My friend and I learned a lot about each other while I kept him at arms length as he continued to date other women. We discussed everything under the sun for months on end as I assume those who meet on the internet do now. We shared both happy and sad times but not as star crossed lovers – as friends.
IMO internet relationships can be just as close as the relationship I had with my best friend before we became physically intimate. But I would recommend that anyone with a long distance love exercise extreme caution. Hearts are easily broken and some broken hearts never mend.
Comment by brightfeather Aug 21, 04:27 PM #
Wow. I really appreciate the time and emotional sensitivity with which you are contributing to this thread. I mean that. You are a great writer, a really great communicator, and obviously a deep and feeling person all round. But heck: I am not very good at this stuff. :)
Comment by Root Aug 21, 04:38 PM #
I was very nervous about leaving these comments. But two things prompted me to do so.
(1) I’m an introvert who does want to come out but I’m not clear about where lines should be drawn when sharing personal stuff. And I made myself a promise that I would become a better commenter as of today – my birthday.
(2) You have become my friend and I wanted to honour your friendship by responding from my heart to this post.
Namaste (Meaning: I salute the divine light within both thee and me in that space within us wherein we are one)
Comment by brightfeather Aug 21, 05:29 PM #
Well I am honoured.
Comment by Root Aug 21, 05:54 PM #
Like Jennifer, I found myself getting long-winded and decided to take it to my own blog. And Root, give me a shout! I may have some biz to discuss w/you!!
P.S. And my internet friend? I have so much trust and faith in him that we are now business partners although we have never met. No, I’m not insane. I have spent quite a bit of time online with this man, we know each other’s darkest and deepest secrets, know how each other thinks and feels and have compatible work habits and ethics. So our business relationship, aside from our solid and wonderful friendship, just.. works! You know?
Comment by Joni Aug 29, 07:35 PM #
Blog post is here: http://joniverse.com/archives/a-perfect-friendship
Comment by Joni Aug 29, 07:38 PM #
That is a beautiful story Joni. It is good to see you here again. Its been a while.
Comment by Root Aug 30, 05:20 AM #
Are people really still asking this question?
The answer is yes, you can find love (and lust if you’re looking for it) online.
But anyways my husband and I met on Match.com in 1999. I lived in London England, he in Toronto. We got engaged on Valentine’s day in 2001 and we married in the UK in May 2003 – we’ve been happily married for 4 years. So, not only are we a long distance international relationship we are also an Internet success story.
You can check out the story on my blog in the Archives – http://thebritgirl.com/2006/05/31/happy-anniversary-how-we-met/ Until I moved to Canada (which I did independently of our relationship) we talked on the phone every day – except when he came to see me in England or I came to visit him in Canada.
And we met up three months after we emailed on line… with a group in Miami. Neutral ground. After that we simply never looked back. We clicked and all that was required was that we test whether “we” would work or not. We did and the rest, as they say, is history.
And we’re not alone. I know at least four couples who have met (on Lavalife) and are now married. I love the Internet :)
Comment by Britgirl Sep 3, 03:17 AM #
I met a man online 6 mths ago on a website named BlackPlanet. I have experienced every emotion I would go through as if he was right here in person. I live in the midwest and he’s on the east coast. I’m not sure if we can make it but I know I’ve never been so determined to make a relationship work and I haven’t seen him in person yet. I just care about him as a person. We argued today, I miss you sweets. (Yes, you can actually miss a person you never met before)
Comment by Calypso Oct 9, 07:59 PM #
Thankyou for sharing Calypso. And good luck.
Comment by Root Oct 10, 07:13 AM #
This is a very interesting topic.
I think that if a person develops feelings for someone who she/he met online (I imagine they’ve exchanged a couple of photos, at least), such feelings would ease up the moment they meet in person and lead to a successful and more ‘real’ relationship later.
I think it’s also a risk because one person can’t really know how sincere the other is, and like brightfeather said: “Hearts are easily broken and some broken hearts never mend.”
IMO, playing with someone’s feelings is one of the most despicable things to do.
To those who’ve met their significant other online and are happily together, congratulations!
Comment by Juan Oct 11, 09:36 PM #
I’m in a online relationship at the moment. We broke up before, and now we’re trying to work things out. He came back to me. It’s very difficult, not knowing where it is going. I want to meet him, sometime before the end of the year. I do love him very deeply and I have never felt this way about anyone before, so if he’s just toying with me, I’m going to be extremely crushed. I want to be with him more than anything. Just to be next to him for a day or something, to hold him. It’s painful opening up and letting him in when I don’t know where it will lead. These things take a lot of patience and trust, communication. It ended because we were unable to open up to each other the first time, but now it’s very different and everything I feel or think, while we speak I tell him, and he does the same, I just hope it’s sincere. Trust and communication are key. It hurts so bad not being able to do things people are able to do in offline relationships. Like holding hands, little things people take for granted.
Comment by Kristi Jun 24, 04:14 AM #